My Celiac Disease Is Causing Stressful Family Conflict

[Coolclimates]

My Celiac Disease is causing really stressful family drama. This has been an issue since I was diagnosed, but has gotten worse lately. The problem is with my dad. He and my mom live in the same town as I do and I often eat there. Because I am so sensitive to gluten, my mom has tried to keep their house 100% gluten-free. But my dad keeps bringing in bread and then gets bread crumbs around the kitchen. He tries to be careful, but he slips up and uses the butter to butter the bread and therefore gets the butter contaminated. He has used this butter to fry eggs and many other things. So the butter gets in the dishes, the utensils and the sponges. 

 

Despite being on a strict gluten-free diet for nearly 5 years, my antibodies are still slightly elevated at this point. I don't even eat out in restaurants at all because of cross-contamination. I have to cook all my food myself. However, I'll eat at my parent's house sometimes and they will cook for me. I have trusted them to make safe meals for me (and they have read many books about Celiac Disease and are very familiar with cross-contamination). My mom doesn't want any gluten in the house, but my dad keeps bringing in bread.

 

We have tried to talk to him about this problem but every time we bring it up, he gets very defensive and takes it personally. I have told him that I am afraid I can't eat any meals that they prepare because of possible cross-contamination. My mom spent nearly a week cleaning the entire kitchen but he keeps bringing in bread. She is extremely frustrated with him, as am I. 

 

It's very perplexing because my dad is a very kind and loving person. But I think he is behaving selfishly when it comes to this. He'd rather bring bread home and eat it and therefore put my health at risk. But he doesn't see it that way. He thinks my mom and I are overreacting. However, he is getting old and forgetful. He can be very absent minded at times and doesn't seem to remember the correct protocols for dealing with cross-contamination. 

 

Last year, I was a guest in someone's house and the kitchen was dirty and full of crumbs. I ended up getting exposure even though I prepared my own food and using my own dishes. I was having panic attacks and other symptoms for almost 2 weeks afterward. He saw what I went through. But I think he's in denial when he sets his kitchen up to be a similar risk.

This has lead to a lot of tension between him and my mom.

 

I have thought about giving him 2 choices: either he stops bringing in bread and I will eat their meals OR he continues to bring in bread and I will not eat any of their meals.

 

I hate to think that my disease causes so much stress and drama in my family. Fortunately, they are a lot more understanding than a lot of families, but my dad has his pitfalls. This is really stressing me out and I think it's causing unnecessary drama. Any suggestions?

 

[StephanieL]

It is their home and if he wants to eat gluten in it that is his choice.  I'm sure you've heard "It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks." and that's very true. Especially when it comes to something as fundamental as food.  It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or care. It means he's resistant to change. 

 

Don't eat there.  Eat before you visit them and enjoy your time there.  Perhaps he will see how serious you are and change but I would think not and honestly, his home, his rules.  Does it stink? Sure but the only environment you can control for the most part is your home. 

[cyclinglady]

I agree with Stephanie.  Eat before you go and visit with them.  Bring a few snacks just in case you get hungry.  And enjoy their company!

[nvsmom]

I'm afraid that I agree with Stephanie, it is his house.  If you were actually living there, then yes, it would be nice if he would go gluten-free, but many celiacs live (safely) in homes that are not gluten-free.  It would be nice if he was gluten free, but you are now only a visitor and I think it is too much to expect him to go gluten-free for a frequent visitor - even if it is his daughter.

 

It sounds like the butter is the main issue.  Perhaps you could buy some butter for them, to be used only for your dishes.  Put it in a tupperware container and hide it in the back of the fridge, or even freezer, where he won't touch it.  I'm sure that your mom could make sure pans and pots are clean before using them, and if you question the cleanliness of the utensils (my utensil drawer collects crumbs)  just wask them off before using them, and have your mom wash them before using them to prepare your food.  

 

If all that doesn't work, you'll have to have them over to eat at your home instead, or bring your own food when you visit. Better yet, bring gluten-free food to share.

 

Best wishes.

[BlessedMommy]

If it were me, I would bring over my own food--kept warm in a thermos. Or I would put food in Pyrex portables and reheat in the microwave. Bento boxes are also great and can be filled with all kinds of goodies. 

[kareng]

I agree with everyone else. It's his house. Also, you said he is getting forgetful. Maybe he isn't even doing it on purpose?

If you don't feel safe at thier house, invite them to yours. If your mom wants to help with the food - either in prep or cost - she can still do that.

[mamaw]

I too agree  with the  others... The  owner  of the  house is  the  king of the  castle... IF you  actually lived  with them  I would  say  that  is a different  elephant in the  room....

Plus  I will say  many  people   with  celiac  live  with a shared  kitchen.. The  many  restrictions  are  followed   but  again  they  reside  in the  same  quarters...

Not  everyone  can grasp  how  food  can  make  someone  ill &  that  statement becomes  hundreds  of  times  worse  when  people  don't  have  celiac...some  celiac people  don't  get  it!!!!

So  things  don't  get  worse  I would  tell your  supportive  Mother that  it  is okay that  Dad  doesn't  get  it, you will just  bring  your  own  food   or  eat  before you visit.. Truly Dad  is not  doing  anything  wrong  in his own house.He  may not  be  sensitive  to your  illness  but  that  is  as far as  it goes...dad  may also  feel left  out....  men  are  grown  little  boys!!!!

I also  understand  how  nice  it is  not to have to prepare all your  own meals...my  suggestion  there  is to  cook  dishes  that  can be  frozen  for  night's  when  you don't feel like cooking....

Sorry,   I know  you probably  wished  for  a different  answer...

[julissa]

I go to my kids houses often, and they know I am showing up with my food. in the beginning they offered to cook for me, but I thanked them and declined explaining I was happier eating food made in my own gluten free kitchen. I agree with all  the posters, you don't live there, so just bring your food. hope it works out. 

[nvsmom]

....  men  are  grown  little  boys!!!!

 

LOL That is so true.

 

 

I too visit my mother often and she goes out of her way to make me safe. She eats very gluten light, but she knows what it takes to keep me well.  It can be done.  

[gilligan]

My brother and I both have celiac, and we visit our parents frequently.  Never in a million years would I expect my parents to eat gluten free just because I must do it.  What if the tables were reversed and your dad was the only one with celiac?  Would you keep your place gluten free for him?  Your parents don't owe you a gluten free household.  Take the advice of others - eat before you go over there, or do what my brother and I do when we take our families to visit our parents - we take ingredients with us and cook.  My mom loves having a break from cooking.  I think you're way off base expecting your parents to live a gluten free lifestyle for you.

[squirmingitch]

I agree with all the others. BUT I think maybe your mom is trying overly hard to have THEIR home be a gluten free household for YOU who doesn't live there. Mom's are like that - yeh, they are. Mom's are loving & kind & kiss your boo boo's & go miles out of their way for their children. It's what mothers do and we love them & they love us. That is NOT to say your father doesn't love you equally as much; it's just that father's tend to have a different way about them. I also agree about men being grown up little boys. When you got old enough to move out of your parents house your dad got more attention from your mom and he liked it! It was his time to have your mom to himself again & get spoiled by her just like you kids got spoiled by her. And that's the way it should be. I'm not saying your dad is doing this deliberately in a conscious effort to wreck the train -- it sounds like it's a completely unconscious thing. But your mom seems to be putting a lot of pressure on him to have everything "your" way. Maybe you should do as everyone else suggested BUT have a sweet talk with your mom & make it clear your dad is not "the bad guy" here so she should be sure not to blame him for your not eating meals she cooks anymore. It's up to YOU to take the pressure off your parents relationship so no one is held to blame.

 

It's also possible that your dad is in early stages of dementia or Alzheimer's & just plain can't remember the rules. 

[Coolclimates]

thanks for the advice. I agree that my mom and I might be setting our expectations too high with my dad. It's also possible that he has early stages of dementia. His older brother suffers from it. It's a complex situation because I will most likely be moving back home with them if I don't find a job in the next few months. I am finishing school and my apartment lease expires at the end of May. Then I'm going down to Florida to do an internship until August. However, if I haven't found a job by then, I'll be moving back in with my parents and it will definitely become more of an issue. I think it would be a different story if I didn't plan on moving back in with them.

[cyclinglady]

You are going to "wow" your employers during your internship and you are going to get a fabulous job offer from them! Better than the offers you will receive from your rounds of interviewing at school. It can really happen! It worked for me and it can happen to you! You go, girl!

[nvsmom]

Good luck with that internship!  

[bartfull]

And if you DO end up moving back in, get a little apartment sized fridge to keep in your room. Get a plastic tote for non-refrigerated items and keep that in your room too. Bring your own pots and pans and keep those in your room. When it's time to cook, take your stuff out into the kitchen and cook away. Sit right down and eat with your parents. Wash your own dishes first using your own dishcloth. Take your stuff back to your room.

 

That may sound drastic, but if your Dad is getting dementia is would be the safest thing. It would also be the most loving thing. Cherish your parents and give them as much love as you can while you can.

[mommida]

If you move in and your mom is willing, I would make the kitchen gluten free.  I do understand that it is your dad's house too, but the health risk for you is too much.  Find some Udi's bread (think it is the best on the market and bought stock in it) for dad to eat- I don't think he will complain.

 

Sorry, I really think it is early dementia.  My husband who was not Celiac or symptomatic told me there was no way gluten was coming into our home if it made our daughter sick.  Dad can eat gluten when he goes out.

[ravenwoodglass]

If you move in and your mom is willing, I would make the kitchen gluten free.  I do understand that it is your dad's house too, but the health risk for you is too much.  Find some Udi's bread (think it is the best on the market and bought stock in it) for dad to eat- I don't think he will complain.

 

Sorry, I really think it is early dementia.  My husband who was not Celiac or symptomatic told me there was no way gluten was coming into our home if it made our daughter sick.  Dad can eat gluten when he goes out.

If he eats white bread you could even stick it in an empty wrapper from a loaf he has already eaten. Just don't tell him you did it. 

[Solandra]

I don't know if it's early stages of dementia or him just being passive aggressive! It's their house, though. Even in my house, my husband and son don't eat gluten free. I just am careful about my food and what I eat. You can't force other people to change the way they eat, especially when you don't even live with them. 

[CathyO]

I'm so sorry this is a struggle.

It's hard to change, and it sounds like your dad likes his bread.

I'm the mom/grandmom in the family, and I'm the only celiac. The nightmares that causes. Daughters in laws and sons in law acting like I do it for attention. Family members planning big gatherings at pizza places and Italian restaurants and getting angry that I don't attend.

Asking me to pick a place, but refusing to go there because they don't like it.

I don't go to many social events these days, because my celiac causes such an issue for everyone else. I have 2-3 restaurants locally that I eat at ... Otherwise unless I personally cook it, I don't eat it.

[julissa]

CathyO, I am the same way, if I didn't make it, I won't eat it.

 

but I go everywhere with my family, bring my own food.. no one anywhere has EVER said anything. I don't ask permission, I don't apologize.. I have been to every restaurant my family wants to go to. I won't go to a place like a pizza place where flour is flying around. but any normal restaurant is fine. when others are ordering I just tell the waiter that I am fine, not ordering. then when their food comes i take my plate out of my small cooler bag that looks like a purse. no one has yet to say a word, for real! 

[CathyO]

Julissa, I get eyerolls. "There she goes again." Comments if I bring my own food. Comments if I don't eat "a little bit won't kill you."

The latest was kind of a trap. Family dinner for a birthday party. There was a pizza/Italian place that plainly stated "none of our products are gluten-free, and we don't guarantee anything." I was asked by family if that was ok, and I said not really, but don't base a decision around me.

Protests of "we really want you to be able to eat, so you pick something!"

So I gave 3 options. (I was travelling to the west coast for this event.)

Nope. None were acceptable!

Ok. That's fine we'll go with your option and I'll call asked to bring my own food.

Then someone said they'd cook at home, big loaves of French bread, pasta, pizza, cake ... And they'd put together something gluten-free for me.

I told them that I sincerely appreciated the offer, but rather than have them learn gluten-free cooking in one day for one meal, I'd bring my own.

What a miserable evening. There was bread and bread crumbs on every surface of this tiny house. Pasta, flour, and more bread.

Constant snide remarks about me and my "picky eating".

I ate my frozen meal, and an orange I brought. My own bottled water.

And that was family ... Stepson, his wife, brother in law, etc.

Last time I'll subject myself to that.

People can't seem to comprehend that this is a disease. Last year I spent time in the cardiac unit at our hospital after a severe gluten exposure and a seizure.

None of us WANT to have to spend hundreds of extra dollars on food to get gluten-free. Not be able to walk into any restaurant or home and just enjoy a meal.this isn't fun.

It isn't easy, and were not doing it to be an inconvenience.

Sorry for the rant, but sometimes people infuriate me.

[julissa]

no sorry needed, I am sad your family does this and makes it so hard for you.. 

[C-Girl]

After my diagnosis, my first trip back to visit the family began with me coming straight from the airport, having not eaten all day (or for a few weeks, really - I hadn't figured out what to eat yet) and being greeted with a pizza dinner. Oh, but they got me a sad, sad gluten-free pizza which I couldn't eat because I was off dairy, too. Not that I would have touched it, it looked disgusting. My sister tried it later and said it was awful. I got pretty good at going hungry.

[notme]

one of my best friends is now a co-owner of a restaurant.  i was like, YAY!!!  i'll finally have somewhere to eat out without worry!!!!  nope.  his business partner wants nothing to do with food allergy responsibility aka he's afraid if they tout something as gluten free/celiac safe that someone will sue them if they make a mistake.  'too much risk'  even though i can read their menu and most of it is completely and easily could be prepared gluten free (simple, fresh menu - steak, lobster, salads, etc nothing really fancy or intricate).  i even said i would go into the kitchen and supervise.  (i even offered to train the staff)   smh.....     it sure would be nice to go (anywhere) and not have to fingerprint every meal   

[ravenwoodglass]

one of my best friends is now a co-owner of a restaurant.  i was like, YAY!!!  i'll finally have somewhere to eat out without worry!!!!  nope.  his business partner wants nothing to do with food allergy responsibility aka he's afraid if they tout something as gluten free/celiac safe that someone will sue them if they make a mistake.  'too much risk'  even though i can read their menu and most of it is completely and easily could be prepared gluten free (simple, fresh menu - steak, lobster, salads, etc nothing really fancy or intricate).  i even said i would go into the kitchen and supervise.  (i even offered to train the staff)   smh.....     it sure would be nice to go (anywhere) and not have to fingerprint every meal   

If it is not a big restaurant you could go in with that friend on a day when the co-owner wasn't there and talk to the chef. You could certainly have something like a steak and baked potato with no problems. All the chef would need is to cook it in a clean saute pan and not use gluten seasonings or sauces. Then when you go in just tell the waitress to tell the chef to give you an 'arlene special'.